The power of giving

I love holding on to things. It's what makes me comfortable. And in a sense it defines me. But does this cosiness comes at a cost?

To think of giving someone what I hold dearly is anathema to me. Yet right now I feel I did just that. And right now I really wish this to last. 

This feelings that I had in me. Which I nurtured while disdained at the same time has been taken away. Or so I feel. Maybe I'll snatch it back. Maybe I won't. Think of Gollum and his little "Precious". But right now I feel lighter and dare to dream. I too can fly. 

Sometimes you just need to to let go. Even if it takes decades of failure. Remember it, especially if it wasn't your's to begin with.

To let go of vices such as selfishness, envy, lust, hatred may seem impossible. Their talons are soo deeply into you that you carry them with you. You live yes. But they rip you and tear you from within.

So yeah. I gave that which I held dear. It's sheen had me spinning like a fly. Only to fall, fly up and spin again. Transfixed. Mesmerised.

For now I have hope.  With hope faith. And with faith salvation.

To be a saint

Yesterday the Catholic world rejoiced. For, two new saints were canonisized. Among them was a teen of 15 years. Carlos Acquitis. Born in 1991 in London, he used technology to serve God. In this day and age media play a major role in making, or breaking, perceptions and beliefs. It serves only two purposes. To inform and to act. While the former is passive, the latter is active.

Carlos chose to do both. Himself being a devout Catholoc (though the BBC quotes, for some "he did not appear to be especially devout"), he wanted to share the abundance of the Eucharist. As they call him, he was a "God's Influencer". 

He died in 2006.

No one likes to be a saint. What do you mean by "to be a saint" ? Are you somehow inferior to others? Or are you bestowed by supernatural powers? Carlos, on the other hand, was a "saint next door".  You could relate to him. If he were alive, he would be the same age as my sister. 

But yes once you are under God's protection or blessing, you can suffer a bit more, take more of that life's uncertainties and vagaries. Jesus himself asked God to take away the pain if He is willingn(Luke 22:42). Yet Jesus did die a painful death. 

Maybe Carlos's canonization is an invitation to be a saint in our own little ways. Even if we can't be, we can at least die trying. 

Onam 2025

I can't imagine how it would be if I were not a Keralite. The social cohesion is much stronger than elsewhere. No matter your religion or views, the general consensus is to accept each other devoid of judgement and bias.

Onam is one such occasion to celebrate this unity. And here's me wishing you all a happy Onam. 

Just as different hues of yellow, white and red make a flower mat, let this Onam remind us that difference among us is whats keep us together. 

മഞ്ഞയും വെള്ളയും ചുവപ്പും നിറങ്ങളിലുള്ള വ്യത്യസ്ത വർണ്ണങ്ങൾ പൂക്കളം തീർക്കുന്നതുപോലെ, ഈ ഓണം നമ്മെ ഓർമ്മിപ്പിക്കട്ടെ, നമ്മൾ തമ്മിലുള്ള വ്യത്യാസമാണ് നമ്മെ ഒരുമിപ്പിക്കുന്നത്.

Along came a mosquito...

It's just rained. The air is cold and still and its way past midnight. I am desperate to get a goodnight sleep. The only thing is I can't. The constant buzzing of mosquitoes around me keeps me awake. Knowing that only my face is exposed I quickly tuck in under the blanket. They still fly around like miniature fighter jets ready to find a weak spot. Slowly my mind drifts off. I wonder why God created the mosquito. What's the purpose of it? What good can come from it? Were there a pair in Noah's Ark? Surely He knows the diseases it can cause. If blood symbolises life, these little insects are drawn to life. It gives them nourishment and to its eggs. Then my mind takes me to Jesus. He himself offered his body and blood to us. And then, right there at that moment I came to the profound realisation what John 3:16 actually meant.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life"

I have heard this verse countless times. There is no denying I didn't know what it meant. As a Christian I know Jesus, his purpose and his legacy. 

But what I didn't know or care to know was the actual fact that God Loves Me More Than Jesus. Of course God loves Jesus, his Son. But the defining moment came when his Son was chosen to die for us. Logically... 

[It's been more than 2 years since I had this in draft and I have lost what I had in mind. Still I thought of publishing it.. Here goes...] 

Geat are thy works O Lord!

I love science. I did both my graduation and post graduation on it. I get excited and intrigued by its  discoveries and progress. Be it the particle smashing colliders, the space probing telescopes or the sequencing of genomes. What scientists do is to tell the workings of the natural. They propose, they test and they find. They begin with an unknown to ultimately reach a known.

Yet, despite all it's achievements, I'm still not sure of the origin story. From the origin of the universe to the precise moment when a new life is born. Who decides the perfect time to begin. Is there a conscious that permeates both space and time? A logic for creation and destruction? If it was infinitely hot and dense in the beginning, what triggered expansion? Why was it dense and hot in the first place? What prevented another to form somewhere else? Or did they? 

I on the other hand, willed for a baby. With God as my creator and me as a cocreator brought forward a tiny little being, a baby boy. After 6 years of marriage, I finally have a son. Thanks to all the prayers from persons known and unknown. 

If you are trying for a baby, a small spiritual suggestion then. If you are Catholic, offer a mass for all the babies that could not make it alive. Do this for 3 months. So, a mass for each month. May God bless you. 

When COVID came knocking, I opened the door

With COVID all around, it's variants emerging at dizzying speed, I was spared from it...until now. For the past two days, I was having high fever. Did two Antigen tests and came positive for both. I might need to do a PCR test. 

As I write this I am in isolation. I need to keep my family and those around safe. Now that after 5 years of marriage, by God's grace, we are expecting a baby in few months, I could have been more careful.

Last week, I had my cousin's engagement and this was the only time I remember, since Covid began, I let go of my mask and that too in crowd.

As its impossible to point from where or how I caught it, I can say masks help a lot. 

Digging your own grave

Human beings are stange. They do things which they know for sure hurts their soul. They have a choice. And they choose destruction. They know what awaits at the ends. Yet they choose evil.

And then there are others who obeys God's will, loves him, and abhors evil. But even when things go wrong, they never fail. They are steadfast.

If I truly be honest, I am of the first category. You?

On the other hand, despite what I do, God loves me. I say it because I see it in my life. I guess this is what it means to be "unconditional". So that it may help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Yesterdays and yesteryears

I just went down the memory lane. From my life in Ireland, Dubai to here right now. Have I achieved anything? Nada. Was there anything to be achieved? If having a good education and then a job for settling in is an achievement. Then no. I have not achieved it.

But sometimes not achieving anything makes me dream of how life could or could have been. Will these dreams drive me to chase success? Don't know.

After all what is success? Money? Good job? Reputation? Your success is different to mine. It is subjective. If I succeed to not have a sugary diet for a day, can you say it doesn't even meet the definition of success?

I believe as long as anything requires or warrants a struggle to reach that peak of feeling successful, then yes you just had success. At that peak, you look down at the boulders and mountains you climbed to reach here. You realise if it weren't for those, there would be no struggle and no success. 

The grass is greener there yonder

This is a continuation from one of my earlier post lionising my state, Kerala. I just happened to read an article in New Indian Express by Paul Zacharia. In it he extols how Kerala imbued views and opinions from others, be they far or near. A short but interesting read that takes you to the initial ideological formation of the state to the present.

Granted there is the desire in me to fly abroad, make some money and enjoy a better standard of living. But on hindsight, there is nothing lacking here except for a better income. Although I am employed at this time (thank God), expenses are eating away my monthly income. However, one thing I noticed is with a rising income, my propensity to spend more bumps up. I spend on things which otherwise I wouldn't have.

So then what makes me think to immigrate? Goods? Better pay? Or the feeling that something is lacking even when I am completely happy. 

World you can rebound

Who thought that in this day and age a virus could bring all human activities to a halt. That many would lose lives because of it.

But just as always, we joined hands and worked against it. But it also reminded us how fragile we are.

However no matter how fragile it is, the will always rise above it. 

My thoughts and prayers for all fighting. 

Kerala: tiny in size, big at heart

As a child growing up in my tiny little State of Kerala, I always loved the people here. This brought a sense of belonging. To the point where if this sense is denied I feel something has been taken forcefully. What is it? 

Being lived in Middle East for most of my childhood I know non-democratic nations can offer peace among its residents.

Kerala on the other hand is only a state in India. It is reliant on the Centre (Delhi) for its sustenance. The Centre that is democratically instituted.

The recent violence in Delhi has made me think.  It has made me think how blessed am I to be in Kerala. Right now I am on a bus to work. On its windshield you will see three photo frames with a Hindu God, Jesus and the Mosque facing the commuters. Call me naive, but I wonder where else can you see this kind of unity. A song is being played on the speakers that is offered to the Hindu God, Lord Krishna. Being a Catholic does that offend me? No. It doesn't and shouldn't. Why not? Because I, like other majority of Keralites, puts people first, religion comes later. 

No matter what religion you are or what belief you have, or don't have, there is this common thread that runs through our souls. To feel empathy and to do something about it. To understand others, their pain. 

It is then no wonder why the political parties here came together despite their differences to say No to laws that seemingly divides people on the basis of religion. 

If education is what makes me elucidate these thoughts then I wish for people being educated. To travel. To take in, mull over and start  bringing changes within ourselves. Let's not be too narrow. Widen our scope. 

God has other plans

So Ronitta didn't pass her exam and so we can't settle in Ireland. This leaves my mom to be alone. Well, we prayed so hard for it. Seems like ke God has other plans. Yes I am sad, but those prayers hopefully helped someone else.

Anyways thank you Lord for the opportunity. Its been a year since we were blessed with this chance. We had hopes, we gave up our job in New Zealand and headed back to India. Now we are without job, and so I have to start looking for a job, to have a new start, have a child or two, pay our debts and live a life as God wants. To be alive and with good health is another blessing. I will try to use it for my family and those around. 

A prayer to a mother.

Dear Mary, this one is for my mother. You know exactly how mothers feel. My mother is alone and no one likes to be alone. Even on the cross Jesus entrusted you to John. I humbly ask of you to pray to the Lord that we all may live together giving thanks and praise to your Son. He said "Ask" and here am I asking. Once granted this would be a great milestone for our spiritual journey because of the prayers and the tears of my mom. Thank you for getting us thus far and thank Lord for this minor setback as instead of damaging our faith, it gave us confidence and hope and made us humble.   

But I miss you

So here am I alone at my home, thinking what to write. Alone I may be, but I my thoughts keep me occupied. It's been more than a week now and I am already missing Ronitta. Her laughter keeps echoing in my mind. She has gone were my mom is. Finally someone beside my mother! Thank you good Lord for this opportunity. An opportunity to be together. No one wants to be alone. As for me, I am not truly alone as I have my extended family living all around. But it's just as they say, you may feel alone even when you have people around.

I truly hope, wish and pray that she pass her exams. God bless her.

I had applied for a three-month tourist visa to goto Ireland on the basis of my mother being there. But the application was rejected saying I have no commitment to return back. Fair enough. I have no qualms over it.  The Western Developed World might see us as being desperate to gain an entry. Everyone wants a better life and so immigration must be regulated. However, they can't really know my intent unless they ask me. They assumed me to overstay and so was barred entry.

So here am I, a son to a great mother and a husband to a beautiful and loving wife ruing he should have known better.

A place called New Zealand

It's been almost an year since my last post. Don't know why I didn't write. I had more than enough time to write down my thoughts though.
Well, as I write this I see myself in my home country in about 3 weeks time. I am saying goodbye to New Zealand.
I really loved it here. The people and the place. I have learned a lot about the culture here more than when I was in Ireland and learning its way of life. Maybe it's because of my wife or maybe because I have been interacting more with those around.
The solidarity with which the nation stood together against the Christchurch shootings impressed me.

We especially loved travelling around. Our most recent trip was to Queenstown and Milford Sound in the South Island which we  will never forget.

So this is just to say thanks to the Kiwi folks over here. You love the people around you and the environment too. You take great care of them and strive to find new ways to sort out issues.

Solidarity extended

I stand with the people of my state Kerala. Monsoon rains has cause widespread floods and landslides. May them recover well and hope they get resettled with the help of authorities.

But its dumbfounding how some can be so heartless in these situations and that too because of caste and religion. It was reported some Christians were unwilling to stay in a relief camp where they felt there were with others of lesser status than them.

Above 300 lost their lives and then this is what happens.

Providence and perfection

After sending more than 90 job applications, I am finally employed. I thank friends, acquaintances and family for their prayers. Even though the job is not anywhere close to the academic qualifications I have, I think at least I have a footing. The job pertains helping elderly with their fluid intake. I experience a sense of satisfaction and humility from this job.
Ronitta has finally cleared her OET exam. This too is a blessing from God. Now God willing we will be with my mom. It will take time and have setbacks but I am hoping to put everything at His feet.

Even in the midst of all these good news, there are times when I let God down. It all comes down to selfishness and instant gratification. But I hope He understands.
I used to waste a lot of time with my phone playing games and respecting my assurance to God that I would stop this once Ronitta gets OET, and so I now have stopped playing.
We can't really promise anything to God. Our words, actions and intentions sway from the most banal and corrupt to the most immaculate and pure. Our only choice is to constantly change to be good to God and all around. The way to perfection is long and hard, but each step takes us forward.

Mathew 5:48 
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Here it's pretty obvious that no one wants to be perfect. You can only define perfection once you have achieved it.  With God bein perfect and we being created with His perfect image, you may ask why then we cause trouble and rebellion. 

Maybe God wants to make us understand that yes we all are born perfect. But once we reach the stage where the world teaches us imperfection, we are made corrupt. So maybe God wants us to return to the initial stage He created us. Without prejudice, without sin and evil. I think this is what He cares. To accept that it is impossible to be perfect without His help and to be in accordance with His view of perfection. 

But unfortunately like me there are few who always struggle between perfection and imperfections. If I take two steps forward, I sadly willingly take three steps backwards. 

I need to change my choices and priorities. 

Void

Ever since I have got my work permit I have been applying for jobs but it seems I am not the one that employers are looking for. Maybe I don't have the necessary experience or maybe they need someone who can be vetted. Don't know why, but I feel frustrated. Each time I apply for a job, I build castles in the air. Thinking how I can earn myself, how I can be independent and sorts. God gave us this life to live and not to squander it. Living on someone else's earnings is not living at all but parasitism.
I don't know what God wants me to do. Stretched before me is no road but uncertainty and the unknown.

Today is Good Friday and I have implored from my hearts depth for giving me a job or lead me down a path where I can fend for my family.

God provides

My last post said we were looking for a home and thank God, we found one. Although it has no bedroom, we are happy to have a roof under our head. The living room becomes our bedroom. The rent is a bit costly but we can't really complain.
So that's that.

In retrospect, I have been with unrequited love from my school years up to even the month before my marriage. During all these time, I have expressed my love in varying ways to all the girls I liked. For it is my desire that the other person knows my feelings. I don't like playing games, nor wasting time. Pain and sadness often follows these expression of love episodes. Girls move on all too quickly.

Now, tomorrow will be our second wedding anniversary. Ron has been in my life for two years now. Wow! Of course our marriage was arranged, that we were strangers but that doesn't matter because there's love between us. I had no job and she said yes. Yesterday, she was asking me when will she see me being angry at her. Surely there are fights, the sulking and the silence but in the end love brings us back. I am usually the silent one and who takes all her wrath. But I don't mind because, most if not all the time, it's my fault. Besides, I rarely retaliate, be it her or anyone for that matter.
She is patient with me and encourages me to take risks in life and above all loves me the way it should be.

I'm just beginning my family life and since I am still without a job, I have applied for few jobs and I am waiting for the outcome. As always God provides. 

Work

Thank God for I got my work permit. Now all I have to do is find a job. Yesterday I have applied to the Office of the Clerk for an editorial position. They had asked for references but since all my references are in India, I didn't fill it in. But I said I will produce it once it's demanded. Now then there is the issue of not knowing much Maori. I'm new to New Zealand but I think I can learn the language and culture as I go.
Now if I am accepted.. man! .. that's what we call..a miracle.
But I am grateful to God for at least leading me to this opportunity. Thank you Father.