Its all arranged

Here in India if u wanna get married u got to first get the nod from the girl's family. See the gal for the first time.Then the boy's family talks with them. Know more about them n hopefully all the talking ends up in tying a knot. Its all "arranged".

A boy such as me has to be on toes during all these customs. He has to always smile. Answer all the questions. Make a wrong move and then it's a bye bye to the girl whom u just met.
 

Although I have never been in such a situation yet...my heart goes out to most boys out there.

In my case, I had met the girl, Susan, before. We were classmates. We were good friends.But that was a decade ago.We lost contact till last year. I told I like her.  Today I still has to get a response from her. But I kinda think she likes me, only keeping quiet.

OK so it so happened that my uncle called Susan's mother to express my interest in marrying her. Her family is fine with our proposal. Now, again waiting for her response. Hopefully something interesting will come out.

Saying bye to Two-O-Fourteen

Just a few more days and this year will come to an end. On hindsight this year has been great. I haven't achieved anything, yet I believe I'm in the process of and I will. I have learned to wait.  I'm where I wanted to be. God had been kind to me. He never let me down. It is I who give pain to Him and it is I who receive His mercy.
I'm learning to face my fears for I see loss of opportunities if I run. I see change when once I thought I wont change. This is life. You don't know where it will lead. There is always a way. If not, a way will be made. Divine providence has always been with me. But I understand it is there to teach me to be independent, to be confident and to be a better person.

Have a great New Year dear all!!

Dreamt of a place from where I did not want to leave. It was very beautiful. All white as snow. I was being led by this young boy who was asked by his mother to show me this awesome place. Was it a glimpse of heaven? Was it my imagination? I dunno.

Jesus said to his disciples, “Don’t be worried! Have faith in God and have faith in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house. I wouldn’t tell you this, unless it was true. I am going there to prepare a place for each of you. After I have done this, I will come back and take you with me. Then we will be together.

John 14:1-3 

 Edited on 12/30/2014

Can't believe it's December!

December December
You have given me something to remember
This whole year that was to ponder
To greet next year with more wonder
Life is fleeting like a shooting star
Where I wish to go and be look so far
So much to do in such a small time
When will I ever be free
To me to see
That this is not about regrets
But is of love and no secrets
But is of love and no secrets

I say Thank You

I'm an introvert trying not to be shy in front of people. I often see myself not saying the right thing at the right time and that too when I open my mouth it's gibberish. This breaks down my confidence so much. I keep quiet...forced to. I have lost various opportunities because of this. 

But hey I don't rue that much. I see myself slowly changing, which is good.

To talk face-to-face with the mother and family of  Susan would be the last thing I ever imagined. If it was 3 years ago...I would faint by the very thought of it (lol just joking). But yes my heart would be racing like Formula One. I would stammer and stumble. I would make a fool out of myself in front of them. There would be fear.

But not today. I have changed. I not only talked with them, I was quiet comfortable with them. In fact I wanted to talk more. But given the situation...I must not overdo it. I had the spunk to say them directly that I'm not well with people or have that many "people skills".
I don't know what they think of me. Can I look after and love their girl.

The point is...many had taught me (and still is) patiently to love myself and not to be scared of talking. It's to them I owe a big thanks. I know I'm hard to "train".lol. Their hard work is paying off I guess. Its slow...but still in progress.

As for winning Susan, I remain hopeful. I have reached this far by nothing but by prayer. And pray I will.

Interstellar

Went to the cinema to see. Man, great movie. I wouldn't mind seeing it the second time. Gravity was awesome but this...this is better I guess. The storyline  is well written with ample twists and turns. Christopher, you did a well job I would say.
Wanted to see it the first time I knew about it...four months back!
Glad to see the movie touching the topic of earth and population which I mentioned on my previous post.
Asked Susan to see it too cos the plot revolves around the love of a father and daughter.

Go watch it!
You wont regret.

Make me tender

For one month I gave myself to Mary so that she may offer my prayers to Him. For one month I remained pure and faithful.. and then I fell.
Mind you its no easy task for me. But on hindsight, I have improved a lot. I still have a long way to go and I'll never give up.
If yesterday I confess, today I sin. Each time I get close, I am thrown away. No I wont give up.

Mother I implore thee

Stained by sin I fear to approach

Ask your Son to forgive me

For giving hurt and only hurt

My thoughts and desires

Far from pure and marred by lust

How can I say I love others

When loving you I never bother

Mother don't give up hope

Ask your Son to forgive me

I'm fighting inside with self

To crucify self on the cross

Cross your Son bore

For me and even more

Calloused I am

And make me tender

Assisted Suicide Wins

Which is more valuable? Pain or life? hmm..

In my earlier post I mentioned I'll be praying for Britanny Manynard. Just read the news that she took her life with the "suicide pill". One wonders when did such a pill come into existence. I don't know what compels a person to take such a decision.
They say its cos of love. That they don't want anyone else to suffer jus cos they are sick. But is it so simple?
We as a family are meant to take care of our sick members. That's what a family is for. What if someone finds a cure for cancer tomorrow? Then what...can we bring her back?

But let me also ask...does a true family exist? How do you define a family? Selfish we all are...oblivious to pain and suffering. It's no wonder when we are about to see such an act common.
Just imagine sick people all over ending their lives because of love. What kind of love is this? Strange

And I thought population was to blame

A recent forecast by researchers says that even if world over people follow one-child policy the total population would be 5-10 billion by 2100. Now that takes into consideration major catastrophe and even a First World War and Second World War combined.

Are we so selfish to only take care of our children? What about generations after them? Do we care?

Who is going to feed these mouths? You will ask who cares if  I have one or lets say four kids. Well, you may be well off to feed them, but aren't you taking away some portion from the deserving? The downtrodden..the weak and hungry.

Considering the Knanaya community here, the church wants as many progeny as possible. I understand that their numbers are few. Forget them, my own mother says it would be nice if I have 4 kids!!

Some see our world as a boat where you can only take a limited passengers. If you take too many the boat may capsize.  That means help only few who have the energy to shout out. Let others who have no voice allowed to be drowned. hmm...strange.

Lollipop?

Google you definitely have a knack of naming operating systems. Its catchy and sounds yummy!!

As for me I have a rooted KitKat Carbon from XDA. Don't know if I will try switching...but ill if time permits. You see I love breaking things...and fixing things. :)

One less

For the past one year or so I have been praying for someone. I don't know her nor she me. I just know she is a girl of 17 years in Canada and she has blood cancer. Before I go to sleep, each day I used to pray for her recovery...that is if I didn't doze off.
But during the past one month or so...God reminded me of her more often than not in His various little ways. I did wonder why? Is she in pain? Does she need strength? I din't get any answer. I have no contact with her..just strangers. I just overheard her name "Pearl"  from one of my aunts who happens to be her acquaintance.  From then on I thought I might as well pray for her.

But four days back my aunt gave me the news she is no more. I felt sad. But this is life. I may go and only my fading memories live. Life is strange...so short to do so much.

It again shows that no matter how hard we pray, God has His own ways. My mom says it is better that Pearl left us lest she might had to suffer a lot. I dunno what to think. God your love is difficult to understand. Are you trying to teach me something?

Ave

Sin befallen we were
By the hands of Eve
Saved we are
By the hands of Ave Maria

A small tribute to Mary by me :)

Read about Brittany Maynard in the news...hmm...what if I can pray for her?

She has been quoted "I think in the beginning my family members wanted a miracle; they wanted a cure for my cancer. "I wanted a cure for my cancer. I still want a cure for my cancer. One does not exist, at least that I'm aware of."

Yes cure for cancer doesn't exist. But there's no harm in praying. So I pray. No I can't stop death...but still I can try...miracles do happen. And so I pray. Prayed :)

Papa

The Pope has been certainly getting attraction from the media these days. He is different and very down to earth. I pray that the Holy Spirit guide him to unite the Church and the family. It's no easy task. All the best Papa.

I wish we here in Kerala all get united. Lets see...

ഇഷ്ടം

ശെടാ ഒരു പെണ്‍കൊച്ചിനെ ഇഷട്ടപെട്ടാൽ അത് ഇത്ര വലിയ പ്രശ്നം ആകുമെന്ന് ഞാൻ അറിഞ്ഞില്ല !
അവൾ എന്റ്റെ  ആകുമോ ഇല്ലെയോ എന്ന് എനിക്ക് അറിഞ്ഞുട. ദൈവം എന്റ്റെ  പ്രാര്ത്ഥന കേട്ട് മടുത്തോ ആവോ. അവളുടെ അമ്മയോട് സംസാരിചിപോൾ സന്തോഷം തോന്നി. എന്നെ കാണനം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു . ആ അമ്മയുടെ ഒരു ഫോണ് വിളി കാത്തിരിക്കുവ ഈ സ്വപ്ന ലോകെതിലെ ബാലഭാസ്കരൻ . എന്നിക്കോ ജോലിയോ കൂലിയൊ ഇല്ല. എന്തിന് മലയാളംപോലും നേരെ ചൊവ്വേ പറയാനോ എഴുതാനോ അറിയില്ല. ഇരുപത്തി ഏഴു വയസും ആയി. കൊള്ളാം!
നിങ്ങൾ ഇവടെ വരെ കഷട്ടപെട്ടു എത്തിയെങ്കിൽ ഒരു എളിയവന്റ്റെ അപേക്ഷ  ...എന്നിക്കു വേണ്ടി praarthikenne .

God is good

How do you feel when what you have been praying for so long is within reach? What is that feeling anyways? You feel special. You feel loved. You want to tell the whole world but you are keeping it inside.

Well I'm going through such kind of situation. I'm a bit tensed up. A bit nervous.

Yesterday was Mother Mary's birthday and  I had asked a gift from her. And voila! a gift I received.  My mom spoke with Susan's mom. She seems interested, but I have to keep calm. Out of all the boys out there, why would she let me marry her daughter?
1) I'm jobless
2) I'm not even from the Knanaya community
3) I'm not abroad
4) She is even a couple of months elder to me!!

Now you say to me. What are my chances? Do I even have one?

But the good Lord has been kind to me. He is answering my prayers. I don't want to be smug lest I may do or say something stupid. I have been memorizing Proverbs 5:1-2 for the past one week:

My son, if you listen closely
    to my wisdom and good sense,
you will have sound judgment,
    and you will always know
    the right thing to say

I hope to say the right thing.

My God you know me better than anyone else. You will only do the right thing for me. I ask you to guide me. I have only you. If you think that I can look after a girl, I'm sure you will give her. Thank You for everything.

I Believe In Miracles

Yes! I do believe in them. Im not ashamed to admit it. My life has been rife with it. For you to believe, I think you should experience it.
I have prayed for a lot of things in my life. For most times I get what I want, but not always. Which father gives everything his son asks for? What if what the son asks is harmful? Should the father please his son? Surely, the son will be dismayed if his current need is not met. He might even doubt the father's authority. "Why should I trust him?", he asks himself. He then goes into sulking.

What would the father be thinking? Will he be sad? Will he be glad in denying what his son wanted? He just wished his son would understand him. After all he is the dad.

Suppose I ask my father to take away all sufferings from my life. I ask him everything I want. He gives him everything. Where does that leave me? Am I happy cos of the things or cos of he being my father.Which is more important? He or the things?

As I wait for a miracle in my life, I know exactly where I am. I know I wont be ever satisfied or smug. In other words I am exploiting Him. I don't care how He feels. All I do is ask. No love returned back. I wonder when I will learn. Despite answering my prayers, He keeps loving.

I mean what kinda love is this?

  Which one of you fathers would give your hungry child a snake if the child asked for a fish? ¹² Which one of you would give your child a scorpion if the child asked for an egg? ¹³ As bad as you are, you still know how to give good gifts to your children. But your heavenly Father is even more ready to give the Holy Spirit to anyone who asks.

Luke 11:11-13

All well except...

It's going fine for me. I meant my course. I'm not overworked but I fear I don't get enough sleep. My prayers has taken a dip. It's not that I don't care but my body feels so tired. Still it surprises me to see myself idling away the free time when I could just close my eyes and pray. It's been 3 or 4 weeks since my last confession and I hope I keep myself checked.
I often, if not always, see my one of silly requests being granted through prayer again and again. It can't be called a prayer I guess. I just ask " God can you show me the name 'Susan' anywhere?" while I'm traveling outside. And sure enough I see her name.

Yesterday I had to go out and I asked the same thing. By night I still hadn't seen it. So I was like "OK fine". I then happened to stop at a shop and there, a couple of yards from me a stood another shop with her name.

Now I dunno what this is? Is my mind playing tricks or is it a divine intervention? I mean, I nearly always get to see her name whenever I ask. Y is it so? Does my mind transmit some kind of waves so that the environment behaves as I do? This is totally strange!

Am I doubting God? I dunno.

I have no clue how or where Susan is. I believe she is not married yet or in another relationship. Call me a fool. Call me blind. I don't care. Its a month or since we talked.

C'mon I'm not saying she is perfect. But she is perfect for me. Im not saying I'm perfect...but I really hope she likes me all my imperfections. She was fine with me...but something irked her...dunno what.

Between Two Minds

Where my mind leads
There I go
To heavens and hell below
Of places seen and unseen
To faces warm and cold
Old and new ones time behold
Where memories pave
The way both happy and grave
And so I go
To where my mind shows...

Oh boy!

Boy meets gal...boy losses gal...boy gets gal. If my situation could be made into a movie where would I be?
The gal is not with him...but has he lost her? No never. You see this boy is unlike other boys. He does nothing other than to pray to win her heart. But hey, he had done what he can...while he can. Like saying gazillion times that he loves her even when he doesn't know what it stood for or its meaning. Like patiently hearing her yell at him believing she is still nice to him. Like not annoying her too much. Only to be turned down for his slightest concern for her. And yet he smiles. For he believes she will be his and he her's one day.
 But then he has to please God. He struggles with his self. Fighting against the waves. For he fears he will be carried away as always. By the false love this world gives freely. God for him is a friend. By obeying Him...he is assured by His word "Ask and you will receive". In His word he believes blindly. Trying his best not to question and doubt. For now there is silence...he waits. And so the story goes...

How to Train Your Dragon 2

Yesterday I saw the sequel to How to Train Your Dragon. I must say it's pretty impressive. It has got a nice story...good beats bad... and a nice graphics to it. There's not much in 3D... well that's what I felt.
But yeah at the end of the day...you are left feeling content that you watched a good movie at the cinema.
I'd recommend to anyone ;)

God will make a way

Thinking about what to jot down here... makes me think to write about God.
Why does He care so much about us? I mean look at the state of things. We disobey...we fight with Him with our desires...we call Him only when we are desperate... only to ignore when He calls us.
What is in us so that He loves us so much? What does He expect from us?
A song comes to my mind by Don Moen. It's so beautiful. It was told by my friend Nibs years back.
"God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way"

I got the impetus to write today's post from one of my dear friend. I prayed for her today and voila... I see God working through her.

New Chapter

Jus wanted to say that I resigned from my job. It's not cos I don't like it but because I wanted to do a course in journalism.
The only sad part is that now I'm jobless. So thinking of Susan I don't know what to say. Can or will she wait for me? First of all I don't know what's going on in her head...now this. Hmm
But I'll still pray n still hope cos I like her.
I didn't expect to get a good score at the test... and I got it. Thanks to God. All honor is yours.

When boredom kicks in!

Felt bored and do drew these two. They are currently my two favourites. One is Mary, the other is obvious.

Not knowing, ever hoping!

These words that I write helps me in little ways. For I can freely open my heart. Without fearing, without restriction. No lies...only truth. I can write anything under the sun...as I please. But like being careful of what I speak...should I be careful here? I don't know.

Anyways...as I write these my head is full of nothing but Susan. I don't know what to say nor think. Bur here I am writing.
Yesterday I messaged her...i dint expect a reply cos she rarely replies. And then she replied something like this "Please don't think about me anymore, and please marry another girl". I was happy that she replied but stumped with the content.hee
I can only imagine why she said so. I have no clue. Ok I know I lack most "qualities" a boy lack. Im sometimes soo innocent that it may annoy you. I know i can be too sentimental at times. And I sometimes is soo adamant.
Maybe these made her say so. Or she might like another guy whom she mentioned before (which is quite difficult for me to believe cos me being a fool).
Or she might be so sad thinking about her family. That she is nowhere where she should be. In other words she has other priorities.
The last one might be the most plausible...but what should I think and act i dont know.
Ill try remain the same...not knowing, ever hoping :)

Blessed!

It's been a year that I got a job and I'm grateful for the prayers that kept me goin and still keeps me goin. God has been kind to me. He has blessed me and still is. And He will. Looking into my life, I can surely say, Im being guided. A good family,  few good friends, daily providence that take care of my needs...list goes on.
I know how blessed I am when I see the beggar down the street, when I see all the deaths, sickness and hunger around me. Why should I be sad then? What do I lack? Often, I wish I was better and things worked out my way. Not satisfied...ever wanting. Wanting for what? Recognition? Praise? Acceptance? For riches?
But what if I get all these...and then what? So you see..by merely asking "Then what?" shows I aint happy, I want more. Insatiable!

But somewhere deep in my heart, a voice stirs. It says that Im kinda lonely. Maybe I have to take heed...maybe not. I really don't know and I'm goin bonkers. Iam asking God to show me. To give me patience and a heart to wait for and to love a girl. I know He does whats best.
Susan has been soo nice. I never hid any of my intentions, my feelings. She is good.


I remember the September 8th of last year, which unexpectedly happened to be Mary's birthday. After my work, as I was in the bus to home, I thought to myself..let me ask Susan. and let God decide. Due to a recent heartbrake over unrequited love , I was soo sad that I wept kneeling praying the rosary. It was the first time in my life (I think) that I prayed it more than 2 or 3 times.
In the night Susan messaged me. I never expected it. I havent been in touch with her since school. Never knew she was still single. Never even guessed it.

And from that day on till now...im expecting God to bless me with her. My sister says theres no way me gonna have cos she is way beautiful for me. But it's not the looks. Its...just the way she is. She keeps babbling over the phone which I just love to hear. Her readiness to fight for herself and her loved ones. But hey, as everyone else she too have her downside. But I like her anyways.
But it's Gods will...not mine. May His will be done.

Friends

Just bcos I don't write here about my friends, that doesnt mean I dont think about them.
Shaina has become a mother. God bless her. I dreamt about her lately. Cant remember now.
Nancy got married and is happy.
Angie has become a nurse
Addie is enjoying her trip. I tried wishing her for her birthday, but it went to voice mail. Sorry about that.
Safiya....well...I actually miss her the most. Her hubby is kinda possessive (no harm meant)...no contact for a while. I hope she is well.

The Letter M

I have been talking about Marian devotion lately. Don't know why. Maybe it's cos of that unquenchable desire to be pure. Maybe it's cos she is my dear mother. Talking about she being a mother, I recently saw a Korean movie "The Wedding Dress". And one thing I can tell you is that I was left crying like a baby.
Why is that a mother's love is so powerful. I just can't fathom why. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I can't.
It's kinda weird that there there are so many languages in this world....but we all, more or less, address our mother with like terms..like Mom, Mommy, Ma, Umma, and my language , as Amma. Which is why I think the letter M is so overflowing with motherly love.

"The sweetest sounds to mortals given, 
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven."
 - William Goldsmith Brown

A Good Night

Thank you Lord for this day. For blessing me and for forgiving my sins. Thank you for all those who are praying for me, both known and unknown.
Have a good night my friends and my family. For mom, sis and Susan. Miss you Susan. This silence is not easy. But it's alright. I hope u call me. I'm a fool when it comes to relationships. I never was in one. So when you tell me to leave you alone. I quietly agree to it. But if u do feel alone, please do call me. Im unsure what's to be done. Slightly confused. Hmm

God bless u all n I thank u all for being in my life. Tc

The Lord’s servant

Who can serve the Lord? Are there any prerequisites for being one? Actually, I don't know. I guess anyone can, as long as one is pure (chaste) and obedient (to Him).

I'm no servant, as I'm neither chaste nor obedient. I follow my desires and I die.  This why "Hail Mary" is one of my favorite prayers apart from the "Our Father". It's cos there is  a request to Mary "...pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death". Death to me here is not the physical death, but the death of the soul when one sins. The separation of God and man.

I have seen my grandma pass away. For I was right beside her. And I'll never forget, that she called our Mother and then gave up the spirit. I feel it's a privilege to die with "Mary" being the last word.

So I reckon, in both the natural and the spiritual death Mary our mother can help us a lot.
She is the epitome of purity. In fact she can been seen as the source of purity....truly blessed by God.

Today we celebrate the Annunciation. Nine months to Christmas, the birth of Jesus.  May the Lord be always born in our hearts.

Faithless

It's very hard to have faith in someone you can't see.  And I'm trying my best to have just that. Recently I had this amazing Facebook post on my updates which goes something like this:

Man: Show and I'll believe.
God: Believe and I'll show.

Dear God, I ask you to gimme faith so that I can trust in you. Jesus you said " Don't worry, have faith". But worry is all we do.

God has given me more than enough occasions to trust in Him. Still, it's hard to believe in something which you doubt. Doubt cos my sins. Doubt cos of lack of faith.
But I'm trying in little ways to increase my faith, and I can tell you...I'm encouraged.

Few Bible passages to cheer me up:

Luke 12: 22-25
Jesus said to his disciples:
I tell you not to worry about your life! Don’t worry about having something to eat or wear. Life is more than food or clothing.  Look at the crows! They don’t plant or harvest, and they don’t have storehouses or barns. But God takes care of them. You are much more important than any birds. Can worry make you live longer? If you don’t have power over small things, why worry about everything else?


Matthew 14:25-31
 A little while before morning, Jesus came walking on the water toward his disciples. When they saw him, they thought he was a ghost. They were terrified and started screaming.
At once, Jesus said to them, “Don’t worry! I am Jesus. Don’t be afraid.”
Peter replied, “Lord, if it is really you, tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come on!” Jesus said. Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him.
But when Peter saw how strong the wind was, he was afraid and started sinking. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
Right away, Jesus reached out his hand. He helped Peter up and said, “You surely don’t have much faith. Why do you doubt?”

Matthew 15:25-28
 The woman came closer. Then she knelt down and begged, “Please help me, Lord!”
Jesus replied, “It isn’t right to take food away from children and feed it to dogs.”
“Lord, that’s true,” the woman said, “but even dogs get the crumbs that fall from their owner’s table.” Jesus answered, “Dear woman, you really do have a lot of faith, and you will be given what you want.” At that moment her daughter was healed.

Mark 5:34-36
Jesus said to the woman, “You are now well because of your faith. May God give you peace! You are healed, and you will no longer be in pain.”
While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from Jairus' home and said, “Your daughter has died! Why bother the teacher anymore?”
Jesus heard what they said, and he said to Jairus, “Don’t worry. Just have faith!”
  

Gate of Heaven

A small poem I wrote long back:

Dear Mother

Hear my prayer

My prayers you have heard before

Make me pray ever more

Through thorns I may tread

With your womb’s bread

Make it a path of roses

Where no door closes

My gate of heaven

Shut me not

Grant me what I seek

For this sinner ever so meek

Virgin most faithful

Where should I go when looking for faith when I have none. To whom  should I approach other than my mother Mary for this “little” thing. Her Son talks about faith throughout his life in the Bible. How do I obtain such a faith when being a sinner fear to approach Him. My sins call out. It separates me from His love, His grace. Is there any hope?

Alas, there is such a  way. An easy  way in fact.  To lead me to Him. It’s the way by which He came to earth and it’s the same way one can go to Him. The Marian way.

There are occasions when we as a child fear to present ourselves to our dad. But then, here comes our dear mom vouching for us. Obtaining what we have asked for. Likewise can we obtain graces through our dear Mary?

Will she accepts us as we are? Is there any prerequisites?

I think all we need is faith. Complete and hones faith in her. How do I get it? Do I have to just ask her in my prayers? Is it freely given?

When Jesus was at Cana during the wedding, what did He tell her concerning the wine business?

First, Jesus had no choice but to listen to His mother. Second, the wedding was saved through her by Him.

So for me, it seems, the servants trusted Mary. They obeyed her and had faith in her. That’s why they did as she told them to, without questioning. If it was me there I would be like “ It’s just plain water, what good can come from it?”.

I guess I just have to trust her. That’s all. Pray to her devotedly, she knows I am a sinner. But at her request she can change a lot of things J.

 As before---waiting for a blessing. Ignore my sins dear Lord. If not. I have no hope.

The 54 day rosary

I have never heard of a 54 day rosary/novena before. I was surprised no one ever told me of this. I'm now on the 21st day of it. I know my dear Mother will bless me with the blessings that I actually need. And I know, no matter how hard I try, certain requests are better not answered lest it might do harm. Or I may not be ready for it. Im actually confused here. If something is bad for me, then if I ask her Son, won't he turn it into something good? Ah well...maybe I have to be content with God's way. He has His own ways, and no one has the authority to question Him. Do they?

You can find a PDF for this novena here. I don't know, after beginning to recite the Holy Rosary over the past 2 years, it has given me confidence and increased my faith in her and Him. To be frank, I dreaded reciting the rosary when I was a kid. But somehow, because of all the pains this life has to give, I feel attached to it now. Flippancy, boredom  and the frequent lustful thoughts were common to be when I started praying. But now, it doesn't overwhelm me often. But I must say..it is still difficult.
I asked Mary to tech me to pray more fervently. And so I can suggest one or two ways to recite it.

Method 1
Imagine you are kneeling before the Mother. Believe she is in front of you. You cant risk reciting the rosary without care and devotion. Cry unto her. She will listen.

No prayer is wasted through her. You may not get what you want, but rest assured she will gladly pass it her dear Son, which is more than what we can ask. For we all are sinners. We really don't deserve anything. Do we? And yet, He keeps us alive. He loves us.

Method 2
Well this might not apply to all. Its for those who use English as a second language besides their native one. Recite the Lords Prayer, Hail Marys and Holy Marys in your own language through your lips while at the same time translate it to English in your mind. This is quiet hard. But it keeps you focused. Remember to understand the meaning instead of just translating.

Sweet Susan

I must admit, I haven't said much about Susan. Well, its been few months now since the day she rang me first. Will this call end in marriage? I hope so. But Im also leaving it the good Lord, cos I have liked many girls before, but each time the answer was NO. So, my instincts say to play safe. If God thinks I can look after a girl, if He thinks I can raise a family. Sure why Not?
I can't read any signs from her, apart from the occasional ones from God...or so I think. Well, it has made me glad often times. But, Im now sure for one thing. She can be a better half of me. I mean, she has most of the qualities I lack. She is not that kinda girl who needs much attention...in fact I think she hates too much of it. Good for me, cos I really have no clue  to give much attention. My sister, says I have no to be in a relationship. So it kinda helps.
She used to be timid and quiet...that's how she was. But now she has become strong and bold. She had to. But still life seems to be difficult for her.
She can get annoyed fast, so I have to be careful...hehe.
And I don't know why I am writing this. Am I under the influence of a drug called love? The crazy thing about this is that you dont have a clue if you are doped or not. So am I....in LOVE?

സ്നേഹിക്കാനും അറിയില്ല , സ്നേഹം എന്തെന്നും അറിയില്ല. കഷ്ടം  !!

Love from above

Here am I testifying a small miracle that took place. Well, believe if you will.

It was my cousin’s wedding recently. I was given a a golden bracelet to put on him. Ok...so, I find him and he was busy like hell. C’mon it’s his wedding day, what do I expect? I asked for his arm to put the bracelet. He extends his arms, then says that I can put it later on him. I happily stash it in my pockets. Safe and secure. Right? WRONG.

The next time I took it out, I was shocked to see the hook (clasp) missing. I was frantic. Where the hell did it go? The whole thing is supposed to be in my pocket–intact. So how could only the hook go?  Strange. And so, I retraced my steps hoping to find a  small shimmer somewhere. I couldn’t. I failed. What am I gonna say? How can I be so careless?

And so when the question was asked as to if I knew whether the hook was there  along with  the bracelet when it  was given to me. I happily said I dint have a clue. In reality…I lied…for fear of damnation. Worse…while in church.

I then asked for forgiveness and requested to God and to St. Jude to make me find it. I went back, searched the place where I took it out first. Could not find it. Lost hope. Gave up.

Late in the night while I was at my home, they rang saying the hook was found.

Now why do I feel God loves me soo much while I don’t really deserve it? He has always been like this to me. I sin, sin like hell. Asks for forgiveness. He forgives without a word. Only to sin again. He forgives again.

What kind of love is this? Is this what they mean by “unconditional love”?

Yesterday, I had a new roommate join me. Unfortunately, he can’t speak. Im like wondering why God made him like this. Here am I, completely healthy. Never really, had any financial crisis. And yet keeps sinning. There are many others, who are suffering from lots of diseases, and various crisis. They are the ones who actually need a miracle. Why does He love me? Am I to be the river, where He is the source? Can I ever be the river?