Not knowing, ever hoping!

These words that I write helps me in little ways. For I can freely open my heart. Without fearing, without restriction. No lies...only truth. I can write anything under the sun...as I please. But like being careful of what I speak...should I be careful here? I don't know.

Anyways...as I write these my head is full of nothing but Susan. I don't know what to say nor think. Bur here I am writing.
Yesterday I messaged her...i dint expect a reply cos she rarely replies. And then she replied something like this "Please don't think about me anymore, and please marry another girl". I was happy that she replied but stumped with the content.hee
I can only imagine why she said so. I have no clue. Ok I know I lack most "qualities" a boy lack. Im sometimes soo innocent that it may annoy you. I know i can be too sentimental at times. And I sometimes is soo adamant.
Maybe these made her say so. Or she might like another guy whom she mentioned before (which is quite difficult for me to believe cos me being a fool).
Or she might be so sad thinking about her family. That she is nowhere where she should be. In other words she has other priorities.
The last one might be the most plausible...but what should I think and act i dont know.
Ill try remain the same...not knowing, ever hoping :)

Blessed!

It's been a year that I got a job and I'm grateful for the prayers that kept me goin and still keeps me goin. God has been kind to me. He has blessed me and still is. And He will. Looking into my life, I can surely say, Im being guided. A good family,  few good friends, daily providence that take care of my needs...list goes on.
I know how blessed I am when I see the beggar down the street, when I see all the deaths, sickness and hunger around me. Why should I be sad then? What do I lack? Often, I wish I was better and things worked out my way. Not satisfied...ever wanting. Wanting for what? Recognition? Praise? Acceptance? For riches?
But what if I get all these...and then what? So you see..by merely asking "Then what?" shows I aint happy, I want more. Insatiable!

But somewhere deep in my heart, a voice stirs. It says that Im kinda lonely. Maybe I have to take heed...maybe not. I really don't know and I'm goin bonkers. Iam asking God to show me. To give me patience and a heart to wait for and to love a girl. I know He does whats best.
Susan has been soo nice. I never hid any of my intentions, my feelings. She is good.


I remember the September 8th of last year, which unexpectedly happened to be Mary's birthday. After my work, as I was in the bus to home, I thought to myself..let me ask Susan. and let God decide. Due to a recent heartbrake over unrequited love , I was soo sad that I wept kneeling praying the rosary. It was the first time in my life (I think) that I prayed it more than 2 or 3 times.
In the night Susan messaged me. I never expected it. I havent been in touch with her since school. Never knew she was still single. Never even guessed it.

And from that day on till now...im expecting God to bless me with her. My sister says theres no way me gonna have cos she is way beautiful for me. But it's not the looks. Its...just the way she is. She keeps babbling over the phone which I just love to hear. Her readiness to fight for herself and her loved ones. But hey, as everyone else she too have her downside. But I like her anyways.
But it's Gods will...not mine. May His will be done.

Friends

Just bcos I don't write here about my friends, that doesnt mean I dont think about them.
Shaina has become a mother. God bless her. I dreamt about her lately. Cant remember now.
Nancy got married and is happy.
Angie has become a nurse
Addie is enjoying her trip. I tried wishing her for her birthday, but it went to voice mail. Sorry about that.
Safiya....well...I actually miss her the most. Her hubby is kinda possessive (no harm meant)...no contact for a while. I hope she is well.

The Letter M

I have been talking about Marian devotion lately. Don't know why. Maybe it's cos of that unquenchable desire to be pure. Maybe it's cos she is my dear mother. Talking about she being a mother, I recently saw a Korean movie "The Wedding Dress". And one thing I can tell you is that I was left crying like a baby.
Why is that a mother's love is so powerful. I just can't fathom why. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I can't.
It's kinda weird that there there are so many languages in this world....but we all, more or less, address our mother with like terms..like Mom, Mommy, Ma, Umma, and my language , as Amma. Which is why I think the letter M is so overflowing with motherly love.

"The sweetest sounds to mortals given, 
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven."
 - William Goldsmith Brown

A Good Night

Thank you Lord for this day. For blessing me and for forgiving my sins. Thank you for all those who are praying for me, both known and unknown.
Have a good night my friends and my family. For mom, sis and Susan. Miss you Susan. This silence is not easy. But it's alright. I hope u call me. I'm a fool when it comes to relationships. I never was in one. So when you tell me to leave you alone. I quietly agree to it. But if u do feel alone, please do call me. Im unsure what's to be done. Slightly confused. Hmm

God bless u all n I thank u all for being in my life. Tc

The Lord’s servant

Who can serve the Lord? Are there any prerequisites for being one? Actually, I don't know. I guess anyone can, as long as one is pure (chaste) and obedient (to Him).

I'm no servant, as I'm neither chaste nor obedient. I follow my desires and I die.  This why "Hail Mary" is one of my favorite prayers apart from the "Our Father". It's cos there is  a request to Mary "...pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death". Death to me here is not the physical death, but the death of the soul when one sins. The separation of God and man.

I have seen my grandma pass away. For I was right beside her. And I'll never forget, that she called our Mother and then gave up the spirit. I feel it's a privilege to die with "Mary" being the last word.

So I reckon, in both the natural and the spiritual death Mary our mother can help us a lot.
She is the epitome of purity. In fact she can been seen as the source of purity....truly blessed by God.

Today we celebrate the Annunciation. Nine months to Christmas, the birth of Jesus.  May the Lord be always born in our hearts.

Faithless

It's very hard to have faith in someone you can't see.  And I'm trying my best to have just that. Recently I had this amazing Facebook post on my updates which goes something like this:

Man: Show and I'll believe.
God: Believe and I'll show.

Dear God, I ask you to gimme faith so that I can trust in you. Jesus you said " Don't worry, have faith". But worry is all we do.

God has given me more than enough occasions to trust in Him. Still, it's hard to believe in something which you doubt. Doubt cos my sins. Doubt cos of lack of faith.
But I'm trying in little ways to increase my faith, and I can tell you...I'm encouraged.

Few Bible passages to cheer me up:

Luke 12: 22-25
Jesus said to his disciples:
I tell you not to worry about your life! Don’t worry about having something to eat or wear. Life is more than food or clothing.  Look at the crows! They don’t plant or harvest, and they don’t have storehouses or barns. But God takes care of them. You are much more important than any birds. Can worry make you live longer? If you don’t have power over small things, why worry about everything else?


Matthew 14:25-31
 A little while before morning, Jesus came walking on the water toward his disciples. When they saw him, they thought he was a ghost. They were terrified and started screaming.
At once, Jesus said to them, “Don’t worry! I am Jesus. Don’t be afraid.”
Peter replied, “Lord, if it is really you, tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come on!” Jesus said. Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him.
But when Peter saw how strong the wind was, he was afraid and started sinking. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
Right away, Jesus reached out his hand. He helped Peter up and said, “You surely don’t have much faith. Why do you doubt?”

Matthew 15:25-28
 The woman came closer. Then she knelt down and begged, “Please help me, Lord!”
Jesus replied, “It isn’t right to take food away from children and feed it to dogs.”
“Lord, that’s true,” the woman said, “but even dogs get the crumbs that fall from their owner’s table.” Jesus answered, “Dear woman, you really do have a lot of faith, and you will be given what you want.” At that moment her daughter was healed.

Mark 5:34-36
Jesus said to the woman, “You are now well because of your faith. May God give you peace! You are healed, and you will no longer be in pain.”
While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from Jairus' home and said, “Your daughter has died! Why bother the teacher anymore?”
Jesus heard what they said, and he said to Jairus, “Don’t worry. Just have faith!”